We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. We’ve all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, I have to add my own entry to this piece: THE JON CONWAY!

JON CONWAY – You enter the bathroom to poop and everything goes as planned. Despite last night’s heavy drinking and 8 lbs. of nachos, you’re coming out on top. Bonus: there’s no smell. This is a glorious occasion, a reason for celebration. You’ve reached the peak of pooping fame. A simple flush, and this one is in the bag.

As you stand at the sink, washing your hands, ready to leave the bathroom, you violently poop your pants. You poop your suit. You poop in your own hair and mouth. Poop is everywhere. You completely ruin your suit.

At this very moment, everyone you know (friends, co-workers, your parents and teachers from childhood, maybe a pet or two), stumbles into the bathroom to see you completely covered in your own waste.

You thought you were safe. You thought it was easy. You just Jon Conway-ed.

I hate you Jon Conway. Either don’t come out or come out faster. Either play the cross or get across the goalmouth quicker. You’re such a bag of ass. I hope you retire…tomorrow.

“Conway has played well all season, but the last tow games he’s been off his game. Hopefully he pulls it together as we need him if the defense isn’t to pick up the slack.” – Mark at Soccer by Ives

No, Mark. He’s fucking terrible. Stop lying. It’s MLS, any time more than 2-3 shots have been put on goal (and he had to dive, not that pansy ass forward dive that the morons at Giants Stadium whoop for) he’s been exposed. This guy has been passed up twice for 37+ year old keepers in his career (Onstad in SJ, Waterreus in NJ) and he’s not a starter. Maybe USL-1.